When to ask for help
Sitting in a 1990 crown vic looking out the window thinking, “Man where the heck are we?” I knew we were headed to Canada, I also knew the general direction we were headed, North, which I was pretty sure wasn't too hard to figure out. However, based on the tension and lack of communication going on between my grandfather and grandmother in the front of the car I knew we were lost. This wasn't something new, my grandfather was a no nonsense, never ask for directions, Frank Sinatra listening, “man’s man”. He was right, regardless of the outcome.
So it was either my grandfather lost his temper and yelled at every one for getting him lost or an angel appeared and dropped a highlighted map in his lap. Since neither that angel nor map ever showed up we knew what we were in for. A long quiet trip into whatever town this road took us to. We eventually made it to Canada and never made it farther than the border. We were told “Canada doesn't need our damn passports.” Well... they did and they were nice enough to let us pull in past the gate, take a second to look around, stretch our legs and leave.
The trip home was equally as quiet. No one said anything about the mistake because it was clear that there was only one issue. My grandfather failed to ask anyone for help. Refused guidance, or information even if it meant a smoother trip. The emotional cost of asking for help was higher than the time and energy wasted driving all over. This was in total contrast to my immediate family. My father is a very planned out individual,. Every trip, move, change or project my dad had a plan for. We knew exactly where we were headed and why. This brought a lot of comfort in my ever changing world of yearly moves from military base to military base. It was easy to trust him even though there was a lot of uncertainty.
Life moved on normally and eventually I forgot about this trip all together. It wasn’t until my girlfriend and I took a trip to Canada 25 years later that I remembered it all. I remembered the feelings of anxiety around asking for directions. The fear of an adult losing their temper. The feeling of being lost, uneasy knowing the adults didn’t know where we were either. I remembered it all pretty vividly, almost like it had happened the week before.
This car situation stood out to me for a few reasons . I was so confused why my grandfather wouldn't ask for help when he so clearly needed it. It was strange to me to see this guy, wise in years, a former personal pilot for the Dallas Cowboys, master sergeant in the army, well versed in the ways of the world be so hard headed and at the cost of everyone he had with him. What made asking for directions so difficult? It wasn’t anything more then stopping at a gas station and purchasing a map. This would have cleared this whole thing up without even asking for help, he just needed to purchase a map. I compared this to my father who, I watched on multiple occasions, ask for guidance. My father was a full bird Colonel in the Air Force, B-52 pilot, and has tons of accolades to his name. He is probably one of the smartest guys I know. If he was not ashamed to admit he needed help then why was my grandfather? What made them different? As my girlfriend and I were driving through Canadian wine country, flipping through the radio stations and laughing at the signs on the side of the road, I kept thinking,
What situations in my life am I too proud to ask for help with, do I realize the cost?
Where are the areas in my life that I need help, a coach, some guidance?
What am I pushing back against telling myself that I can just figure out on my own?
Most importantly, when is it time to ask for help?
I have been a coach now for over ten years. I have worked with professional athletes and general population clients, I have coached CEO’s and small business owners. I live in a world where constant questioning of the standard way of doing things is normal practice. Innovation and efficiency in both the professional and personal world is how we coach.
I see multiple men trudge through life avoiding asking for help. I see businesses struggle because their CEO, COO or CFO refuses to ask for guidance. 90% of them will agree, after looking back, that a coach or guidance of some sort would have been helpful. They know a coach is beneficial. They know they need help. However they refuse to ask for it when it is needed most. This concept fascinates me. Why, when the journey is at its hardest, when we are already lost, when we could use guidance the most, do we not ask for it? I see a lot of clients when life is going great, when profits are high, games are being won, situations at home are great and kiddos are off to law school. Results and goals are met so frequently during that time it’s like we are on the Oprah Winfrey show, a PR for everyone every day!
What fascinates me though is the time after or in between the Winfrey show. The times when life is a little muddy, the kid messes up and doesn't get into law school, the time when business isn’t killing it. The time when a coach would be most beneficial is the time most stop working with their coach! This tends to be a normal part of training, both personally and professionally. Driven individuals tend to be very high on the control portion of their personality. When presented with situations that are tough they usually only see one way out, drop everything and fix that one thing. However, this creates a cycle of regret, frustration, and eventually apathy towards their goals or people around them. Rather than asking for help from the coach you already have, they choose to take it on themselves.
I relate this to my Canadian road trip experience. How much easier would it have been to ask a few questions about what we need to cross the border and in what direction do we head. How much easier would it have been to trust someone to help? The answer is it would have changed the entire trip and experience for everyone in the vehicle that day for the better. My time as a coach has proven to me that we might know a lot, even be an expert in our field, but we are never to knowledgeable for help. We are always learning and always developing.
So to answer the question, “when is it time to ask for help?”
The time is now, if life is great and firing on all cylinders or if it’s in the shitter. If you already have a coach, don’t remove them when things get difficult, utilize that coach for everything they are worth! The way you handle things, the habits you have, the impulse responses you have now are what created the world you are currently living in. If you want it to be different, you to be different, your business your relationships your family to be different. You need to be open to changing your processes. The only way to change those ingrained processes is to lean on someone who has the ability to help you change them. Be humble enough to know you need help and open enough to take guidance. This can be a lot to take in. This can be a lot for high performers to read much less actually implement.
However, if you are serious about changing your life, serious about getting to a new level or serious about being the best version of yourself, utilize that coach. Utilize that team, utilize that help. There is one fact of life that never changes...
No one is going to do this for you. You have to be the one to save yourself.
